So, that idea of blogging more often. I might do it. Especially after reading something very amazing which I will come to later this week
In the meantime, this is a personal blog, after all, so we’ll have a picture of the new arrivals:
That’s Erin-Rose on the left, Bruce on the right!
And they’re pretty much what I’m actually doing these days! Give or take a bit of stressed out research, distraction from the phone hacking scandal and losing my Internet connection for a few days (or not, as the case actually turned out!) and writing the odd article, these two amazing little people are always on my mind in everything I do.
My other big project away from Bright Hub recently (something that sometimes feels like an old fashioned job, until cool stuff happens like the awarding of a Senior Writer post!) was an attempt to get into the finals of the Sitcom Trials once again.
This coincided with the birth of the babies, however, which meant I wasn’t able to vote on many of the other entries. However, my favourite entry did win, which cheered me up after the critical mauling that my own entry, “Highway to Hell”, received.
Put it this way – it’s not as good as The Riding Officer…
Highway to Hell: “Beadle’s Baby Hand”
Introduction
Dave BLOKE and MiCK WHAILS are a couple of underachieving rockers in their thirties who have been trying to get a break into the music business for 15-20 years. They’re used to playing in dingy, grotty pubs with sticky floors in front of old men stinking of piss for not much money, they have recently landed on their feet with a new manager, Lucy von Pleese, who also works as a dominatrix.
It could be argued that the technology has left the duo behind, and now as their unchanging 1990s sound is being affectionately recalled by nostalgia, they seem to be in demand.
Cast
MICK WHAILS – lead singer, totally rock and roll, think Mick Jagger, Robert Plant and David Lee Roth all rolled into one. Or even Bill Nighy in Love, Actually and Still Crazy. He writes the lyrics.
DAVE BLOKE – possibly the brains of the pair, certainly the creative genius; he’s the guitarist. Their relationship is a long, deep and complex one, involving various liaisons with the same women (often at the same time). They’re very close but not that close, although people often assume that they are sleeping together.
LUCY von PLEESE – officious, overbearing, manipulating and plain scary, Lucy is the boy’s manager and is also a dominatrix to local celebrities.
LISA TOOS – she’s an A&R woman from record label Department X. Any similarity with a genuine label with the same name is purely coincidental.
Setting
We join the boys as they sit backstage waiting for their turn in the showcase event, where several local bands get their chance before some record company representatives. The location is drab, dingy and pretty much what they’re used to, but they’re pretty upbeat about their chances.
SCENE 1 INT BACKSTAGE
DAVE BLOKE
Bloody glad we changed our name from Killer Whails. It just sounds like we should have been lining up with Twisted Sister.
MICK WHAILS
We did line up with Twisted Sister.
You know that was always my favourite name. It looked great written down.
DAVE
No shit, Mick Whail –
MICK
- but I know it’s not a killer name. We needed something a bit punchier, something with a bit of… vavavoom
DAVE
We needed something that doesn’t empty pubs before we play a note.
MICK
You reckon “Beadle’s Baby Hand” is the one then?
DAVE
Well, it’s got us this far. We haven’t done a showcase in years.
MICK
It’s got to be at least five years since we got a sniff of a record label rep.
DAVE
How long now till we’re on?
MICK
About ten minutes. This beats playing sticky boozers in the middle of the afternoon. Getting paid in booze sounds great first but it doesn’t pay the bills.
DAVE
Have you seen the gas bill?
Dave lights up.
MICK
Another one? Jesus, you were convinced that sharing a house and being in a band would make us like the real-life Monkees.
DAVE
We sometimes sing and play at home and run down the beach to quickly run away from the tide… But just think, even without managing to get signed to a label, we managed to buy a house outright. That’s some going.
Their manager, LUCY von PLEESE, enters
LUCY von PLEESE
It’s a house, Dave. Not a house each. People are talking.
DAVE
About?
MICK
You know… two blokes in their thirties buying a house together.
DAVE
I don’t follow you. It’s not a very interesting topic for gossip is it? What about Jerry Taylor having it off with that schoolgirl?
MICK
Balls to Taylor – he’s 15. Think about it. Me and you living in one house, no steady girlfriends, occasional visits from other people…
DAVE
Depressing isn’t it?
LUCY
Are you two queer or what?
DAVE
Eh?
MICK
Christ haven’t you heard? My mother was convinced we were getting married because someone told her we had a priest visiting last week.
DAVE
That was Father Longjohn and the Choirboys.
LUCY
That doesn’t sound too good either, does it?
MICK
Plus only managing to pull one lass between us isn’t doing anyone any good, in all honesty.
DAVE
Well they’re often very accommodating in those situations.
LUCY
I bet that dirty trollope the pair of you dragged home last night was pretty accommodating too.
MICK
She was. I laid her and Dave laid a football pitch in her.
DAVE
Yeah… I thought you’d left the reverb on amp.
LUCY
You two are disgusting.
Mind you, it could have been much worse for you. She could have had a strap-on.
MICK
Eh?
DAVE
Quiminal isn’t she?
MICK
A what?
DAVE
Quiminal. Did time for extortion!
MICK
NO!
DAVE
Oh yes, and likes more than just a quick lap apparently.
LUCY
Anyway, sorry I’m late. Was trying to get rid of Barry Meat; he’s so fucking needy.
DAVE
Barry Meat? The Mayor?
MICK
The “Fat Bastard Mayor” who used to be in The Legend?
LUCY
Yep, that’s him. Twenty years ago he could have had any woman in LA, now look at him, scraping around for votes and kissing my stilettos on a Tuesday afternoon.
Right, has the A&R girl from Department X been in to see you yet? She was very keen to meet you both.
MICK
Department X? Never heard of them, what do they do?
LUCY
Well they’re primarily an indie record label, but they also do event management around old country houses, castles… murder weekends are doing well for them I think.
MICK
No we haven’t seen anyone, apart from half a dozen ex band members lining up with the competition.
LUCY
Any drummers?
DAVE
Seven.
LUCY
Well if we pull this one off we might be able to get one of them back.
MICK
They were shit, Lucy. We’d need two of them just so they could keep time.
LUCY’s phone rings, she answers it.
MICK
What do you reckon then? Can we pull this off?
DAVE
We’ve got five great songs that we know inside out, we’ve got you singing, me on guitar, Saskwatch on bass, we’ll be fine.
MICK
I’m starving. I hate this. Every time we do this I get the same.
DAVE
Who else with stage fright needs to eat? Most people get the shits.
MICK
Mate, I’m starving. I need something to eat.
DAVE
Well look, we’re on soon. If we send out for a takeaway now it should be here when we’re done.
MICK is not happy
MICK
All right, we’ll do that. You still got that bag of crisps?
DAVE
Aye, have ‘em.
Hands over crisps
DAVE
So where do you fancy for this takeaway?
MICK
BGs Steakhouse, I think.
LUCY finishes on the phone
LUCY
You two are getting a takeaway?
DAVE
Yeh, want something?
LUCY
No I’m a Vegan
DAVE
I know. I was just being polite. Where do Vegans go out for meals?
MICK
The allotment, I think.
DAVE
So, BGs Steakhouse?
MICK
Oh yeh, yeh that’s right.
DAVE
Nice one. They’ve got a Jive Talking Meal Deal on.
MICK
Oh really? Finally living up to their name then?
DAVE
Yeah I was talking to Roland in there last week, told him he’s got to start playing up to it, its hip, its catchy, it’s very Saturday night.
MICK
Isn’t it though?
DAVE
Totally. So he’s introduced a new “You Should Be Eating… Yeah!” menu. From Friday you can get a “More than a Milkshake”, a “Night Burger” and a portion of “Staying A-Fries” all for a fiver!
MICK
Bonza! I’ll have that then!
LUCY
Right well that’s all sorted then? Good.
I was just speaking to Lisa Toos, the girl from Department X? She’s out front, she wants to come and meet you before you go out. Apparently you’ve met her before.
MICK
Really? Name doesn’t ring a bell.
DAVE
“Toos”? What sort of a name is that?
MICK
An unusual one, I’d say. Still, we’ve met plenty of lasses over the years. She could be anyone.
DAVE
She might be a groupie from the old days.
LISA TOOS enters.
DAVE
Christ, she IS a groupie from the old days!
MICK welcomes her.
MICK
Well, well, well! Lisa Toos!
LUCY
Hi Lisa. This is Mick, who clearly remembers you, and Dave, who would perhaps rather you weren’t here right now.
LISA
Hi guys!
LUCY
So you’ve met these two before then?
LISA
Yes! Back when they were called Daleside Old Legover. I saw them three times!
DAVE
We only played three times with that name. Nice to see you again.
LISA
So you’re both ready for the gig then? Department X are pretty excited about the buzz on the net around you guys lately, especially the YouTube channel!
LUCY pointedly shakes her head at LISA, waving and mouthing “No!”
DAVE
“You…Tube”?
MICK
The Internet?
LUCY
Guys, I’m the manager, I deal with all of that stuff. You just worry about the music. The world has moved on since you started out, remember that?
LUCY
Anyway Lisa, a couple of things we need to talk about…
LUCY and LISA talk among themselves.
DAVE
Well that was a surprise?
MICK
I know. I hate the Internet.
DAVE
No, her – Lisa!
MICK
Oh right then. Yeh. She’s that lass you shagged in the graveyard, isn’t she?
DAVE
Eh?
MICK
I said, “She’s that lass you shagged in the graveyard, isn’t she?”
DAVE
That’s what I thought you said. I never shagged Lisa in the graveyard.
MICK
Dave you’re famous for it! The poor lass was constantly propositioned all around town for weeks afterwards and couldn’t work out why. That’s why we’ve never seen her since!
DAVE
What are you on about? Never went near the place with her!
MICK
Dave you did! All the lads know about it!
DAVE
But I don’t go near churches.
MICK
But you shagged her in the graveyard mate!
DAVE
I haven’t been to church in twenty years!
MICK
Listen Dave, you shagged her in the graveyard!
DAVE
Lisa?
MICK
Yes.
DAVE
Nah never shagged her in the graveyard. Shagged that French bird, Suzanne du Suc in the Garden of Remembrance. Don’t remember a graveyard though.
MICK
For fucks sake Dave, you shagged Lisa in the graveyard!
DAVE
I shagged her in the pub toilets!
MICK
I KNOW! I WATCHED! You shagged her “in the graveyard”!
DAVE
I shagged her in the toilets, up the… Oh… you mean up…in the graveyard! Not in the graveyard.
MICK
Jesus.
DAVE
Never heard it called that before. Still, doesn’t look like she remembers me. I’d expect a lass to be quite uncomfortable about something like that in a situation like this.
LUCY and LISA finish chatting. LISA approaches the musicians.
LISA
So, Beadle’s Baby Hand. Great name!
DAVE
Yeh we’re pleased with it. It’s certainly catching on. The posters Lucy organized certainly seem to work.
LISA
And there is the associated gimmick of wearing prosthetic withered hands?
MICK
Yeah, we’re particularly pleased about that. Show her Dave!
DAVE reveals a prosthetic hand which he slips on the end of his left arm.
DAVE
Yep, so there you go, in my hand goes, and I can pretty much leave it in there for the whole gig!
LISA
I would have thought it made playing the guitar difficult though.
MICK
Well to a non-musician that might be the case, but of course Dave is a seasoned pro. He’d have to do something pretty fucking stupid to be unable to play the guitar with that on.
LISA
Such as?
DAVE is looking sheepish.
MICK
Phew, well, I suppose the obvious one would be to put it on the wrong hand, and then get it stuck on there!
MICK laughs. LISA and LUCY and DAVE all look at DAVE’s hand.
DAVE has a fake plastic hand wedged on to his left hand. He gives it a tug, put it refuses to shift. In desperation, he picks up his guitar as if to play it.
DAVE
It’s stuck Mick…
FX Ext: An announcement echoes around over the PA system:
PA SYSTEM
Next up, people, we’ve got local veteran rockers Beadle’s Baby Hand to kick your arses with some good old fashioned British vaudeville punk!
MICK
We’re screwed, mate!
That’s the cliffhanger!
SCENE 1 INT BACKSTAGE
FX Ext: There is booing, whistles and the sound of bottles smashing as Beadle’s Baby Hand stumble offstage in tatters.
MICK
You fucking idiot!
DAVE
Well I really couldn’t think of anything else to do.
MICK
Saskwatch is 20 stone of pure lesbian muscle. Didn’t it occur to you to ask her to pull it odd
DAVE
Well yeh, it did
MICK
So why the fuck didn’t you?!
DAVE
I thought she’d take it the wrong way and twat me…
MICK
Well it would have been better than what did happen wouldn’t it?!
Dave grabs around to his arse, wincing. We see that there is a prosthetic hand sticking out, waving.
DAVE
Thanks for grabbing the guitar off ‘em, mate.
MICK
Jesus, this is a classic this. We’ve really screwed it up this time.
LUCY enters, with LISA behind her.
LUCY
Guys, that could have gone better. Luckily Lisa and I have had a chat about it, and she’s got quite a reasonable offer, under the circumstances.
MICK
What?
Dave pulls the hand out with a loud POP
DAVE
Offer?
LISA
It could have gone better, and you both need to work on preparation and clearly, Mick, asking the bouncer if you could have a bite of his burger wasn’t a great idea…
MICK
How did I know it was his wife? She was tiny!
DAVE
Hang on, are you saying we haven’t shagged this up?
LUCY
What Lisa is saying is that Department X are prepared to invest ten grand in a polished demo and some local promotion, so it’s time to start looking for a new drummer!
MICK and DAVE hug.
MICK and DAVE
Brilliant!
MICK and DAVE realise they are being observed, and brush themselves down.
MICK
We’re not that close.
DAVE
So Lisa, do you fancy coming out for a bite to eat? We’re off to BGs Steakhouse, they do a new Jive Talking Meal Deal, or you could try a How Beef is Your Love or even a…
LISA
Dave, let me stop you.
LISA slaps Dave
LISA
I think you know exactly how “beef” my love is, and don’t even think about suggesting some “Secret Love” or loving me “inside out”.
I’m not that sort of girl.
LISA walks over to Dave and grabs the prosthetic hand off him.
LISA
If you’re that desperate, why don’t you give yourself a handjob?
LISA rams the false Beadle’s Baby Hand prosthetic onto Dave’s crotch, where it appears to be wedged.
LISA
I don’t think you’ll be loving anyone “inside out” looking like that, will you?
LISA leaves. LUCY holds her head in her hands.
MICK
She definitely remembers you mate.
So, reviews for that entry weren’t too hot, to put it mildly, resulting in that particular idea being quietly shelved. This is particularly disappointing as I had chosen this particular concept (I’ve got loads of them…) because it was better-developed than the others. Or so I thought.
Well, never mind, people. The future must simply prepare itself for The Boot Room…